Funny news stories

[Guy Incognito]

Busted for sex with car wash vacuum

A MAN has been arrested and jailed for getting hot and steamy with a vacuum cleaner ... at a car wash.

The 29-year-old was caught when a resident in Swan Creek Township, Michigan, spotted him acting suspiciously and called police.

The cop then caught the accused in the middle of act and said: "I've seen some strange things, but this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard."

The man's name has not been released.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/s ... 21,00.html

[Sasha]

Hopefully he doesn't get released in time to cast his McCain-Palin vote.

*Edit just noted the date of this story

Point still stands though.

[Sasha]

Man caught with ***** in pasta jar

A MAN caught near Nobbys Beach with his ***** in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday.

Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed.

Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.

Weatherley, of Promontory Way, North Arm Cove, attracted attention parked in a no-stopping zone before noon on October 26.

Police believed Weatherley was doing something with his hands in his lap and thought that he might have a weapon.

Weatherley saw the police and drove away, despite them flashing their lights.

The chase lasted five to 10 minutes, with a top speed of just 20 kmh, before Weatherley was stopped at Centenary Drive, Newcastle. He refused to leave the car.

Four officers used batons and capsicum spray to remove him.

They found a 750-millilitre jar around his ***** and noted that Weatherley attempted to continue "pleasuring himself in between bouts of wrestling".

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

Weatherley pleaded guilty to offensive behaviour, resisting police and disobeying a police direction.

Magistrate Elaine Truscott asked Weatherley, who represented himself, why he behaved the way he did.

He said he resisted police because he was trying to make himself "decent".

He was fined $600 for offensive behaviour and convicted of the other two offences without further action taken.

http://www.theherald.com.au/news/local/ ... 63831.aspx

[Off]

Leggo's Authentico...Bravo..

[Guy Incognito]

A search of his car uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.

[Michael]

I like it how the cops think its necessary to use batons and capsicum spray on a pathetic old pervert with his wang in a jar. F**king pigs...

[Nick]

I like it how the cops think its necessary to use batons and capsicum spray on a pathetic old pervert with his wang in a jar. F**king pigs...

I'd give him a hiding too. sick ****

[Manbush]

I like it how the cops think its necessary to use batons and capsicum spray on a pathetic old pervert with his wang in a jar. F**king pigs...

I'd give him a hiding too. sick ****

Would you want to get close to a perveted old man holding a weapon that couldve gone off at any mpment:P

[Guy Incognito]

Stiff sentence for masturbating driver

By Emily Watkins

A MAN who filmed himself masturbating while driving at 150km/h on the Northern Territory's Stuart Highway has been fined more than $2000 and copped two months jail.

Brenton Alan Erhardt, 39, appeared in custody before magistrate Sue Oliver yesterday to answer traffic, firearms and drug offences.

Erhardt pleaded guilty to the six charges, which happened in circumstances Ms Oliver described as "bizarre to say the least".

The court heard Erhardt had been travelling south along the Stuart Highway, had been smoking cannabis while driving and was filming himself masturbating with a video camera last July.

The NT News reports police measured his speed at 137 km/h, but the court heard he had been driving at up to 150km/h.

He had two pipes for smoking cannabis in the car, as well as a loaded and an unlicensed .22 calibre rifle.

Police also found 4.9kg of marijuana, including two plants on the back seat.

Ms Oliver said the offence did not reflect Erhardt's age.

"You're not a particularly young man," she said. "This is the sort of conduct you might expect of a much younger, immature person to engage in.

"The offences really just speak of a person who doesn't have much regard for rules and regulations overall."

She sentenced him to 28 days in prison for the driving dangerously charge, which she said was serious.

"It's right up there at the upper end of dangerous driving," she said. "It causes you some embarrassment to have this aired in a public forum.

"Perhaps there's something to be learned from that."

Erhardt was also sentenced to another 28-day prison term for driving while disqualified, to be served cumulatively to the dangerous driving sentence.

Both sentences were to be served concurrently with another prison sentence he is serving.

He was fined a total of $2160 for the drugs and firearms offences.

Erhardt appeared in the Northern Territory Supreme Court last month on further drug charges from the same day.

He was sentenced to three years behind bars.

http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/s ... 21,00.html

[Off]

THIS.MAN.MUST.SEEK.HELP.IMEADIATELY.IMO.

[Rick]

What a wanker

[Off]

Sex shop suspect nabbed
Damon Guppy

THIS is the man accused of breaking into an adult shop and having sex with blow-up dolls in a bizarre series of alleged crimes that made international headlines.

His leg in a cast, the 23-year-old limped from the Cairns watch-house late yesterday afternoon, just hours after police arrested him.

Police have not released his name.

He was charged with breaking into businesses in the CBD, including the Laneway Adult Shop off Spence St three times in the past month.

The man allegedly smashed his way into the shop, had sex with blow-up dolls and discarded them in an alley.

He is also accused of breaking into the Sapphire Bar by smashing a hole near the top of the roof and dropping 15m to the floor.

The hunt for the suspect ended yesterday when he was detained at his home and taken to Cairns police station where he was questioned and charged.

"Following intelligence-based inquiries, we attended a Manunda address and made an arrest," acting Det Sen-Sgt Jason Chetham said.

Outside the watch-house, the man said he had been speaking to police about property offences from "years ago".

He was charged with four counts each of enter premises with intent and one count of attempted break-in.

The man has been granted bail to appear in Cairns Magistrates' Court early next month.

The alleged crimes, revealed by The Cairns Post earlier this month, made headlines across the world, with dozens of newspapers and blogs as far away as the UK, US, Canada, India and Jamaica featuring the story.

On two occasions, a doll named "Jungle Jane" was allegedly stolen from the Laneway Adult Shop.

The shop's owner said the alleged offender had a habit of cleaning up the mess he had made at his premises.

http://www.cairns.com.au/article/2009/0 ... -news.html

I think i can see what the problem is here..

[Manbush]

Yep QLDers are perverts

[Off]

poor old Jungle Jane hey.

[Stringer]

How come all of these funny stories are about sex.

[Michael]

'Cause sex is funny....

[Stringer]

'Cause sex is funny....

..........

[Manbush]

'Cause sex is funny....

..........

He'll learn how to do it properly one day

[Guy Incognito]

How come all of these funny stories are about sex.

Because you like them so much here is another one.


Toothy raccoon bit off manhood

A FIESTY raccoon has bitten off a *'s ***** as he was trying to rape the animal.

Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.

“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.

Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.

â€*'s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.

â€*'s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/ne ... 172612.ece

[Off]

..OMG.

Fart jokes amuse me aswell,am i simple??? yes.

and prefer to be as a matter of fact.

[Azza]

Nigerian police detain goat over armed robbery

POLICE in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

“The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat,” Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed said.

“We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat,” he said.

Belief in witchcraft is widespread in parts of Nigeria, *'s most populous nation.

Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

http://insidethemindoftim.wordpress.com ... d-robbery/

[Shadow Boxer]

, comedy gold....

[Stringer]

****, now thats a funny story

[david231280]

Thats a classic news article.

I believe it deserved it's own thread

[Stringer]

Baby's accidental phone call lands dad in jail

A baby playing with a telephone inadvertently called police to his house in westernmost Canada and to his "very surprised" father's marijuana-growing operation inside, police say.

The Royal Canadian Mounted Police responded to an emergency 911 call in which the caller hung up without saying a word, Constable Janelle Canning told AFP on Wednesday.

The officers entered the White Rock residence, after knocks at the door went unanswered, she said.

"The father was very surprised to see us and insisted he hadn't called police," she said.

"The officers then observed his 11-month-old child playing with a cordless phone, pressing buttons randomly."

The mystery caller was identified, she said. "It appears the baby called us."

During a routine search of the house, the officers also uncovered 500 marijuana plants in two locked rooms on the main floor.

The 29-year-old father was arrested and faces charges of production of a controlled substance and mischief. He is to appear in court in April.

The baby boy was removed from the home by the Ministry of Children and Family, and was later released into his mother's custody

http://www.smh.com.au/news/specials/unu ... 52689.html

[Makaveli]

Attempted robbery ends with torn genitals, Viagra hangover

THE attempted armed robbery of a Russian hairdresser became a three-day sex ordeal for the would-be thief, leaving him with torn genitals and a Viagra hangover.

IT website The Register reports the man, known as Viktor, tried to rob the hairdresser in the town of Meshchovsk.

The owner, 28-year-old Olga, agreed to hand over the takings but as she was giving him the money, used her karate skills to knock him to the ground and tie him up with a hairdryer cord.

She then locked him in the storeroom and told colleagues she’d call the police.

However, she instead stripped him and cuffed him to a heater with a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs. She then fed him Viagra and raped him several times over the next four days.

When finally released, Viktor went first to hospital for treatment for his torn frenulum, and then reported Olga to the police. When she was arrested, Olga reported him for robbery.

“What a b**tard,” she complained.

“Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I’ve bought him new jeans, gave him food and even gave him 1000 roubles when he left.”

Viktor admitted she had fed him well.

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25 ... 09,00.html

[Michael]

If life has taught me anything, its that stuff like that is standard in Russia.

[Guy Incognito]

[Nick]

thats **** gold

[Off]

Shoot the bitch,imo.

[-TW-]

Viktor admitted she had fed him well.

well thats alright then...

whats he whingin about

[Guy Incognito]

Not really a funny story, but it is a funny headline.

[Rodman]

Saudi pays stiff price for sex toy

A Saudi businessman has purchased what is being described by the Canadian seller as the world's most expensive adult novelty item - a solid 18-carat gold ***** enlarger worth nearly $US50,000 ($59,240).

X4 Labs, a Canadian manufacturer of medical devices, received the unorthodox request and recruited a Montreal custom jeweller to help with its design and construction.

"This male health accessory is the most expensive traction device ever produced and will likely become a historical benchmark for the adult novelty industry," the company said in a statement.

Little is known about the buyer, except that he lives in Jeddah.

His glitzy new ***** enlarger, however, is being encrusted at his request with 40 diamonds and several rubies and is to be delivered by armoured car in October, said Rick Oh, X4 Labs co-owner.

Saudi law bans the import of adult sex toys, but the company insists its product is a US government certified medical device.

Such devices normally retail for less than $US400. But this custom order is expected to cost about $US47,000, Oh said.

"It's an unusual request," Oh said.

"We didn't take it seriously at first, but once he sent us a deposit, we had to agree to it."

"Obviously, there were giggles initially when we presented our project to a jeweller and asked him for help."

But the seemingly lavish device was actually conceived for a practical purpose, Oh explained.

"We were approached by the customer who insisted on a solid gold version of our product because he claimed to have a severe skin allergy to stainless steel."

Later, the buyer asked to add diamonds and rubies to it.

The company intends to now offer all customers custom designs for their male novelty devices, although it states it is "uncertain as to whether this will become a trend."

Product coordinator Matt West said he "is convinced that there is a demographic that is willing to pay for lavish medical devices for their private areas... to pay good money to spoil themselves."

"There is something tremendously selfish about the male ego, and subsequently 50,000-dollar orders may become the norm for companies like X4 Labs," he said.


http://www.smh.com.au/world/strangebutt ... -eah1.html

[Guy Incognito]

Father's fury over children's 'pornographic' sweet wrappers

A father-of-two has spoken of his disgust after spotting fruity cartoon characters appearing to have sex on SWEET wrappers.

Simon Simpkins was buying Haribo MAOAM sour candies for his children when he noticed the 'pornographic' illustrations of limes, lemons and cherries romping with each other.

Mr Simpkins, of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, said: 'The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter.

'The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.'

He said: 'I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.'

A spokesman for Haribo said the 'fun' packaging of the sweets was introduced in Germany 2002 and added: 'This jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old.'





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... ppers.html

[Raiders Lime Milk]

Father's fury over children's 'pornographic' sweet wrappers

A father-of-two has spoken of his disgust after spotting fruity cartoon characters appearing to have sex on SWEET wrappers.

Simon Simpkins was buying Haribo MAOAM sour candies for his children when he noticed the 'pornographic' illustrations of limes, lemons and cherries romping with each other.

Mr Simpkins, of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, said: 'The lemon and lime are locked in what appears to be a carnal encounter.

'The lime, whom I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face.'

He said: 'I demanded to see the shop manager and, during a heated exchange, my wife became quite distressed and had to sit down in the car park.'

A spokesman for Haribo said the 'fun' packaging of the sweets was introduced in Germany 2002 and added: 'This jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old.'





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article ... ppers.html

The lime is a real sexual crusader, converting a lemon and popping some cherries.

I'll close the door behind me.