Joke of the Week

[bleeding green]

If the following joke is too obscene for the GH then please feel free to delete....


Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.'

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?'

She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.'

He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?'

He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!'

[Finite]

great

[bleeding green]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'



The doctor considered his question for a minute and
Then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
And never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'
'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
It were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'
'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
Pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

[Ray Dar]

Bob came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Bob, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Bob was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Bob was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Bob, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Bob.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Bob, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've **** the bed !!'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[bleeding green]

Bob came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded Bob, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

Bob was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Bob was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies Bob, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies Bob.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'Bob, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've **** the bed !!'



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ripper

[Woodgers]

A Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see whatyour monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,"replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ****, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his ****, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[david231280]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in..........

And then the trouble started.

[david231280]

This joke reminds me of Belinda Neal

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport.
A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[RSK]

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

[1-eyedgreen]

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend.

"Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Robin replies," I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.

Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Batman?"

Batman is silent for a moment, and then speaks:

"Robin, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[Tixie]

With apologies to all our irish friends - even to those Irish who are not our friends!

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in the Cork hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008 man! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

[Guy Incognito]

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

[yeh raiders]

Q. What did paris hilton's left leg, say to her right?

A. Nothing because they've never met

[thickos]

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

[KW]

One for Kiwis (Remember this is a joke)


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He f igures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager:
'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist:
'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog:
'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi:
(look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist:
'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog:
'Yep'

Ventriloquist:
'How does he treat you?'

Dog:
'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi:
(look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist:
'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi:
'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist:
'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse:
'Cool'

Kiwi:
(absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist:
'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse:
'Yep'

Ventriloquist:
How does he treat you?

Horse:
'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi:
(total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist:
'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi:
(in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[Butters]

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

LOLLERSKATES

[yeh raiders]

One for Kiwis (Remember this is a joke)


An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He f igures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager:
'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist:
'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog:
'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi:
(look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist:
'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog:
'Yep'

Ventriloquist:
'How does he treat you?'

Dog:
'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi:
(look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist:
'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi:
'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist:
'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse:
'Cool'

Kiwi:
(absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist:
'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse:
'Yep'

Ventriloquist:
How does he treat you?

Horse:
'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi:
(total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist:
'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi:
(in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[iamasonicdisease]

the one about greg bird's girlfriend being a one eyed sharks supporter, did the rounds at work today

[1-eyedgreen]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06CvUjLgK5g

Goat yelling like a man...Very funny!

[hrundi89]

the one about greg bird's girlfriend being a one eyed sharks supporter, did the rounds at work today

Yeah that's hilarious...

[THE HULK]

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

[GRANTYRAIDER]

not sure if youse have heard these but here goes:

-some baked beans were hitchhiking to brisbane
they ended up in cairns

[GRANTYRAIDER]

a lesbian joins weightwatchers,the teacher says to her "you are what you eat"
the lesbian says "are you calling me a ****?"

[GRANTYRAIDER]

a hooker got married and was worried that after 10 years in the game she would be a bit loose down there so on her wedding night she was about to guide her man in when she says"when i was young i caught my fanny on a fence and slipped so i may seem a little wide down there"after making love for the first time the new hubby says"just how far were you across the field before you noticed you were caught?

[Shezza]

How do you circumsize a bloke from Penriff?

Kick his sister in the teeth.

[bleeding green]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa; The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

[bonehead]

The woman that best represents your footy team...

Photo's were beaut but I'm not hosting them.



Newcastle Knights: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately, was pretty, but always for sale!

Cronulla Sharks: Pamela Anderson
Best and only asset is upfront

St George Illawarra: NAOMI CAMPBELL
Struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser

Sydney City Roosters: BELINDA NEAL
Arrogant b***h who thinks the world revolves around her

Manly Sea Eagles: SHARON STONE
Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force

Gold Coast Titans: CASEY DONOVAN
Seemed like a good idea at the time, now no-one is buying her sh*t

South Sydney: NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE
looking up after years as a bit player - looks like her best years behind her

North Queensland: Germaine Greer

Once made a bit of noise, but now Irrelevant


NZ Warriors: LINDSAY LOHAN
A miracle she is still alive

Melbourne Storm: KIM (FROM KATH and KIM)
Deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others.

Brisbane Broncos: BRITNEY SPEARS
Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can`t even remember to wear her underwear in public and is a failure on the home front.

Wests TIGERS: JANE FONDA
A legend in the 60s/70s but ! you wouldn`t touch her in 2008

Penrith Panthers: RICKI LEE COULTER
Promises a lot but never delivers

Canberra Raiders: CATE BLANCHETT
Used to be boring but has become interesting again


Parramatta Eels : Heather Mills

Goes great till leg falls off mid season, then dumps you and takes all the cash


Cantabery Bulldogs: AMY WINEHOUSE
Enough said

[Ecz]

^^i like it because were the only one who has got somthing that isn't mean

[Michael]

I've seen ones like that that say 'Canberra - Princess Di. Used to be blue blood but haven't done much of late'. I think that's a bit more apt.

[1-eyedgreen]

Man walks into a bar ...

The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.
Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man responds, "About 100."
Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Nicky Watson and women in general.
Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Err, 50, I think."




And the robot says.. real slowly..."So...............ya gonna vote for Kevin again?"

[-TW-]

loved it

[SubLime Green]

I haven't looked throught he whole thread so sorry if these have been said.


It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of
a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the
people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez:
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she
demanded. Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher
glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Martinez says,
"George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Martinez jumps out
of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to
Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you." Martinez frantically yells at the top of his
voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
"Oh ****, we're in Big trouble,"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

[SubLime Green]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the crocadile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[Sterlk]

An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the crocadile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

That one's done the rounds in here before... still amuses me though.

The Quote one was pretty good too.

[Rick]

"I'm here to feed the crocadile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

Whats a crocadile?