A bus driver is taking a group of pensioners on a day trip from Newcastle to Sydney when one of the old ladies offers him a handful of peanuts.
"Thanks", says the bus driver "Thats's very kind of you".
He eats the peanuts while continuing the drive.
Half an hour later the old lady again offers him some peanuts.
"Are you sure", the driver said before taking them, "That's very generous of you", and he happily eats them.
Along they go on the trip when, to the drivers surprise, the little old lady once more offers him a handful of peanuts.
"No, I cant take these from you", he says "you people are just pensioners"
"No worries young man", says the old lady "you take them".
"Why dont you eat them yourself", says the bus driver.
"We dont have any teeth", says the little od lady, "we just like to suck the chocolate coating".
Joke of the Week
Moderator: GH Moderators
-
deanoman
- Brett Mullins
- Posts: 1953
- Joined: May 6, 2005, 6:23 pm
- Location: Good old SYDNEY again! Also still at my computer!
- Contact:
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I
swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a
nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. "And what if I
swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone
else does."
Warning: politically incorrect jokes
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.
Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.
Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks
whining.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cause no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard
Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes
Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.
Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.
Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks
whining.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.
Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.
Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cause no man would pull those faces on purpose.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
New joke time
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough so she took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3 ?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets!"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire Truck".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough so she took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3 ?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets!"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants". Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?" Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'UCK' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Fire Truck".
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions
A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the
question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size
when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up looking around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And Third, one day you are going to be very disappointed.
No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You
should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal,and you'll get fired!"
She then sat back down. Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the
question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size
when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up looking around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy." Then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say to you:
First, you have a dirty mind.
Second, you didn't read your homework.
And Third, one day you are going to be very disappointed.
-
Inactive
-
IBG
- Gary Belcher
- Posts: 6277
- Joined: January 8, 2005, 1:25 pm
- Favourite Player: Jordan Rapana
- Location: Sydney
Bay56 wrote:I dont have the problem very often ...
I log in via ..
http://www.hostmybb.com/phpbb/index.php ... aiders2005
when I have used thegreenhouseact.net I do get logged out
definitely would be a pain in the **** and a reason for people not re-visiting the site ... therefore a solution is imperative
That wasn't very funny.
-
Inactive
Some things for you guys!
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
· Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
· Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
· Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
· Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother too.
· Because I'm a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
· Because I’m a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
· Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia, or heat stroke, has set in. AAA is not an option. I will win.
· Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer and break wind as a form of Holy Communion.
· Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. (F.Y.I. guys cumin is a spice and not a bodily function)
· Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
· Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don’t forget to pick up something for my mother too.
· Because I'm a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.... and if you are feeling amorous afterwards...then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
· Because I’m a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
· Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2006, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest... like looking for my socks, or like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for Women to better understand the Male.
-
deanoman
- Brett Mullins
- Posts: 1953
- Joined: May 6, 2005, 6:23 pm
- Location: Good old SYDNEY again! Also still at my computer!
- Contact:
Ok this is a blonde joke, so im really really sorry to IMM! i dont believe in blonde jokes, however this ones has got to be one of the best i have heard in a long time!
****************
Anywho,
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all-pregnant and are in the waiting room to see the doctor. They are also involved general chitchat and talk about their theories of the sex of their child.
The first woman, the red head says to the group " Im going to have a boy! The reason is because i was on top when i fell pregnant"
The second woman, the brunette says to the group " Well im going to have a girl, the reason is because he was on top when i fell pregnant"
When the blondes turn came around she just sat there speechless and pale faced. The red head asks, "is everything alright?"
The blonde looks at her and says "f*ck, im having puppies"
****************
Anywho,
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all-pregnant and are in the waiting room to see the doctor. They are also involved general chitchat and talk about their theories of the sex of their child.
The first woman, the red head says to the group " Im going to have a boy! The reason is because i was on top when i fell pregnant"
The second woman, the brunette says to the group " Well im going to have a girl, the reason is because he was on top when i fell pregnant"
When the blondes turn came around she just sat there speechless and pale faced. The red head asks, "is everything alright?"
The blonde looks at her and says "f*ck, im having puppies"
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I Miss Marty
- David Furner
- Posts: 3156
- Joined: January 19, 2005, 11:59 am
- Favourite Player: I'm still deciding
- Location: Brisbane
-
Frawley's PopTart
- Simon Woolford
- Posts: 488
- Joined: May 16, 2005, 10:16 am
- Location: Slowly Inching My Way To RaiderVille
- Contact:
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I Miss Marty
- David Furner
- Posts: 3156
- Joined: January 19, 2005, 11:59 am
- Favourite Player: I'm still deciding
- Location: Brisbane
heres a good anticdote i herd today, might be abit hard to understand, its the type thats better told then read
Went to a party the other week, was dress up party, an emotion party. Basically you get up in gear that reflects an emotion, walking around was a large black man wearing absolutely nothing but a bowl of custard on his dick... eventually curiosity got the better of me and i decided to ask whats he was "oi mate, this is an emotion party are you sure your in the right place?", he reply "of course mate, why do you ask?", what i thought was a fair obvious thing i said "well what emotion are you", the big black man smiled and replied "im **** disgusted"
Went to a party the other week, was dress up party, an emotion party. Basically you get up in gear that reflects an emotion, walking around was a large black man wearing absolutely nothing but a bowl of custard on his dick... eventually curiosity got the better of me and i decided to ask whats he was "oi mate, this is an emotion party are you sure your in the right place?", he reply "of course mate, why do you ask?", what i thought was a fair obvious thing i said "well what emotion are you", the big black man smiled and replied "im **** disgusted"
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Frawley's PopTart
- Simon Woolford
- Posts: 488
- Joined: May 16, 2005, 10:16 am
- Location: Slowly Inching My Way To RaiderVille
- Contact:
-
valiant_raider
- David Furner
- Posts: 3943
- Joined: May 16, 2005, 9:29 pm
- Location: NK
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I Miss Marty
- David Furner
- Posts: 3156
- Joined: January 19, 2005, 11:59 am
- Favourite Player: I'm still deciding
- Location: Brisbane