Joke of the Week

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SubLime Green
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by SubLime Green »

Pfft the joke is originially american, I changed it to fit in here a bit more lol.

It was originally alligator. That is how you spell Crocadile right? or is it Crocodile? :doubt:
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Sterlk
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Sterlk »

It's crocodile
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Rick
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Rick »

Lahrio wrote:Pfft the joke is originially american, I changed it to fit in here a bit more lol.

It was originally alligator. That is how you spell Crocadile right? or is it Crocodile? :doubt:
You got it right the second time ( Crocodile)

Sorry about that I hate it when people pick at spelling
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SubLime Green
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by SubLime Green »

Campo for PM wrote:
Lahrio wrote:Pfft the joke is originially american, I changed it to fit in here a bit more lol.

It was originally alligator. That is how you spell Crocadile right? or is it Crocodile? :doubt:
You got it right the second time ( Crocodile)

Sorry about that I hate it when people pick at spelling
Lol. :roll:
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by david231280 »

Dad at the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
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yeh raiders
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by yeh raiders »

Campo for PM wrote:
Lahrio wrote:
"I'm here to feed the crocadile."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.
Whats a crocadile? :hmmm
its a form of spelling mistake
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glw05
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by glw05 »

Bin Laden: “Penrith” were crap

Osama bin Laden has appeared on Iraqi TV to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad. To prove that his television appearance was not pre-recorded Osama stated that he, “watched the footy on the weekend and the “Penrith” were crap!”

Australian and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the past year.


A policeman pulls over a Monaro on Port Road and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” and the driver replies “Bout wot?”
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Shadow Boxer »

Cheech and Chong were on Kerry Anne Kennerley's morning show the other day,

Chong told this story about smoking bongs with Arnold Schwartzenneger and how all his bodybuilder mates would try and outdo each other by pulling harder than the next bloke, KAK didn't get it so he launched into a long explanation on how to smoke dope ,the whole time KAK is getting more and more nervous, she tried to change the subject to sports and Cheech told how much he liked Rugby League because it was legal to stand on peoples heads....

At this stage KAK is looking around nervously and says to Tommy Chong did you discuss drug use with your kids when they were younger..

Tommy's response was oh yeh, I told them to always replace them...
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Guy Incognito
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Guy Incognito »

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before,but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like ****.'
goodgolly

Re: Joke of the Week

Post by goodgolly »

This is from another site and i dont know if is been told on here before but geez it tickled me!


After a few rounds of the NRL this year, Jason Taylor is concerned about the form of his Rabbitohs team, so he decides to go and see Wayne Bennett at a St. George training session to ask some advice.

Taylor turns up and tells his concerns to Bennett and asks for advice.

Bennett says “You’ve got to work on the intelligence of your players. Watch this ...”

Bennett then calls over Wendell Sailor and asks him “Dell, who is the child of your father and mother but is not your brother or your sister ?”

Sailor thinks for a few seconds and answers â€*'s me coach”.

Bennett says “right answer Dell” and Sailor goes back to training.

Taylor says to himself this is great, I’m going to use this at the next Rabbitohs training.

So the next night at training, Taylor calls over John Sutton and asks him the question “John, who is the child of your father and mother but is not your brother or your sister ?”

Sutton thinks for a while and say â€*'s Taylor *'s a hard one, can I have some time”

Taylor says “you’ve got 24 hours and you’d better get it right.”

The next morning the answer still hasn’t come to Sutton, so he thinks “I know, I’ll call Gus Gould, he knows everything”

So Sutton calls Gould and asks him the questions “who is the child of your father and mother but is not your brother or your sister ?”.

Gould says â€*'s easy, the answer is me”.

Sutton says “great Gus, thanks a lot”.

That night at training, Sutton runs up to Taylor and says “I’ve got the answer to your question. The *'s Gus Gould”

Taylor says “Don’t be stupid, the *'s Wendell Sailor”.
:roflmao
Guy Incognito
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Guy Incognito »

What's the difference between St George-Illawarra and viagra?

Viagra will get you past a semi.
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bmw1979
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by bmw1979 »

green_tongue wrote:What's the difference between St George-Illawarra and viagra?

Viagra will get you past a semi.

love it. classic. :D
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Stringer
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Stringer »

What started the dust storm?
The sharks opened up their trophy cabinet!
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Inactive »

Wow this thread has raised it's head again :D
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bmw1979
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by bmw1979 »

keep the jokes coming... they are hillarious.... :thumbsup
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Sasha
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Sasha »

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*waits for post to be reported*
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Stringer
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Stringer »

What the hell :lol:
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Sasha
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Sasha »

Nerkster wrote:What the hell :lol:
Think about it :P
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Guy Incognito
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Guy Incognito »

:lol:
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Stringer
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Stringer »

that's gold :lol: :thumbsup
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bmw1979
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by bmw1979 »

i do see the funny side of it, but being a nirvana fan not so funny...
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jedski
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by jedski »

A mother of 3 is in the kitchen cooking and one of her children comes up to her and says "mummy, why did you call me rose?".

The mother replies, because when you were born a rose petal floated down and fell on your head.

The next child comes up and says "mummy, why did you call me violet?". Again the mother says, because when you were born a small violet flower landed on your head.

The third child comes up and says "Uhh Meuef fif wffmfw". The mothers says "shut up fridge".
* INSERT SIGNATURE HERE *
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beetlejuice
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by beetlejuice »

whats the difference between a arsonist and the dragons?

a arsonist wouldnt waste 26 matches.
Love the Raiders, Hate The NRL.
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bmw1979
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by bmw1979 »

beetlejuice wrote:whats the difference between a arsonist and the dragons?

a arsonist wouldnt waste 26 matches.
thats complete gold :roflmao
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Raidersfan
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Raidersfan »

Bump
I don't post facts
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Notaroboticfish
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Notaroboticfish »

beetlejuice wrote:whats the difference between a arsonist and the dragons?

a arsonist wouldnt waste 26 matches.
Bahahahaha
Professor
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Professor »

Hahahaha
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Raidersfan
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Raidersfan »

She text me
"Your adorable"

I replied
"No No No You're adorable"
I don't post facts
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-TW-
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by -TW- »

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Raidersfan
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Raidersfan »

I completed my census form and submitted it.

Got a call from the abs saying that it has to be done next Tuesday.

I said I know but did you check my employment details, I'm a clairvoyant.
I don't post facts
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Dr Zaius
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Dr Zaius »

Raidersfan wrote:I completed my census form and submitted it.

Got a call from the abs saying that it has to be done next Tuesday.

I said I know but did you check my employment details, I'm a clairvoyant.
Wow, that broaches new kinds of terrible
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Raider Bell
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Raider Bell »

Dr Zaius wrote:
Raidersfan wrote:I completed my census form and submitted it.

Got a call from the abs saying that it has to be done next Tuesday.

I said I know but did you check my employment details, I'm a clairvoyant.
Wow, that broaches new kinds of terrible
Is that an awful joke or just an extremely boring anecdote?
"A hex on your house, and more importantly your health"
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Dr Zaius
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Dr Zaius »

Raider Bell wrote:
Dr Zaius wrote:
Raidersfan wrote:I completed my census form and submitted it.

Got a call from the abs saying that it has to be done next Tuesday.

I said I know but did you check my employment details, I'm a clairvoyant.
Wow, that broaches new kinds of terrible
Is that an awful joke or just an extremely boring anecdote?
I'm not even sure
The Nickman
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by The Nickman »

Raider Bell wrote:
Dr Zaius wrote:
Raidersfan wrote:I completed my census form and submitted it.

Got a call from the abs saying that it has to be done next Tuesday.

I said I know but did you check my employment details, I'm a clairvoyant.
Wow, that broaches new kinds of terrible
Is that an awful joke or just an extremely boring anecdote?
The lines are always blurred when it's bay.
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Supershamrock
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Re: Joke of the Week

Post by Supershamrock »

Bit of a long anecdote which is worth the giggle (was sent to me in an email years ago and I don't believe it's true but still makes me laugh).

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this,....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is
funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs and Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right
foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day .... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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